This morning, I had a BAD morning.
Last night, I had a BAD night.
Here’s the situation, I am single parenting this week…and next week, as Alex is in London for a conference and then will do another week of meetings with companies. It’s a good thing for him. It’s a good thing for his business. It’s a good thing for us as a family. It is NOT a good thing for me personally. I do not like single parenting. Period.
My patience for Teal goes out the window when I am single parenting. I think it comes down to the fact that I know there is no outlet. There is no one to wave the proverbial white flag at. There is no release. No one to tag out with. No one to ease the pressure when my stress goes up and my patience goes down. Now, this is the interesting part of this story, I can’t remember the last time I waved the white surrender flag when Alex was here. I seriously cannot remember the last time I needed to tag out of my time with Teal. But, when Alex leaves, it’s like I lose my safety net. I lose the option…I can’t get the help if I needed it. That’s what gets me. I don’t have a lifeline.
Why can’t I handle everything when I don’t have my partner for back up? Well, I guess it comes down to knowing that I have the out when he’s here. Knowing that I have someone that’s got my back.
You see, I yelled at Teal this morning. I actually dropped the F-bomb. I did not say, FY (as Elon would say) but I did say, “This is not f-ing acceptable behavior.” Yeap, I said it. And, wow…did I feel like crap. I knew I had lost the battle between patience and freakout.
She had had a terrible night the evening prior with lots of hitting, lots of crying, not listening and just being bratty. Note, my patience was thin.
This morning started out great. I was so happy with myself. I woke her up with smiles, we snuggled, I was peaceful and intentionally positive and patient. Until…well, I got smacked one too many times. She was crying because she didn’t want to take off her pjs to put on her school clothes. And she smacked me one too many times. I just lost my shit. I stood up, yelled the above statement, and then turned on my heel and left the room. I needed to breathe. I needed to find a moment to compose myself. I needed to fall down on the bed and cry (which I did not do), I needed someone to step in and tell me it was alright and that I needed some me time (which did not happen). I needed someone to take care of me!
And then three amazing things happened:
- As I was getting Teal into her car seat, she opened her arms up and waited for me. She waited for me to step in and get a hug. Yes, my 7 year old had the wisdom that her mom needed a hug. I stepped in to get my hug and she gently patted me on the back. I had to hold back the tears. I told her I was very sorry for yelling and that it wasn’t ok to hit. Just like it wasn’t ok to yell. I stepped away and she opened her arms again. She knew I needed someone to care for me. And, I got another hug. Yes, again, my daughter comforted me. (Don’t even begin talking with me about the guilt or tell me that my child shouldn’t bear that weight! Don’t…)
- As I was walking away from school drop off, I ran into a father of a child on the spectrum. And, I said, “Does (insert child’s name) hit?” His dad said, “No.” And I almost burst into tears. However, he did tell me all sorts of other things I needed to hear. He let me tell my story of how horrible I had been and how horrible I still felt. He let me talk and he listened. In his own way, he took care of me. And, he gave me a hug too.
- During one of my spiritual readings today, my sitter said, “It’s good for our children to know that ‘I have my limits too.'” Whoa. I wrote it down it had so much impact. I have limits too.
So, yes, I’m still beating myself up and I’ll be sure to tell Teal again how sorry I am for my behavior but I also know that “I have my limits too.” And today, I was pushed over the edge into a bit of a mom rage moment!
Sigh…thanks for listening. And, I hope you know it’s ok to say that you have your limits too!
Jen
If you’d like more information about mom rage, listen to these 2 episodes on For Our Special Kids:
